smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
