you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
