I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
