Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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