he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
