I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Shame - the story of my life.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
