is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
she pinky promised me she was 18
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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