pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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