Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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