That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
