nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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