Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
