I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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