I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
