im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
