Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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