did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
