He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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