god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize