You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
