Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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