Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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