Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
