Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
