You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
