I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
