True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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