The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
