I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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