you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot