I haven't been this sober since birth.
Girls should come with a carfax report
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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