My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?