Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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