I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
