Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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