I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
