I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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