She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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