Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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