I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
