I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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