the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
