I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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