Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
