I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
