if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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