Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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