I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
