Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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