you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
