i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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