how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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