You're my little dorito
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
