She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
