Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
