I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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