So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
