I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
