My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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