I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
