I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
