I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
