people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
