she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
